Federal Investigators Claim Almost Everyone is an Alien

A military study into the possibility that extraterrestrials may be living on our planet has come to an end, and the team of investigators and scientists based out of MacDill Air Force Base who conducted the study have come to a startling conclusion: everyone except them is an alien.

“We were really shocked,” said Dr. Martin Call, civilian consultant for the U.S. Air Force. “Don’t get me wrong, we were expecting a couple of aliens. A handful here and there, mostly in Homosassa. You know, where the mermaids are? We were primarily concerned with them. But then we found out that it wasn’t just the mermaids who are from another world; it’s everyone but us!”

The study came to its surprising conclusion through a combination of in-person interviews and targeted Facebook surveys.

“We asked the same set of questions both in person and on the surveys,” said Dr. Call. “When participants answered yes to a question on the ‘anonymous’ survey and no to the same question when asked in person, we flagged them as an alien. The only people who answered consistently were the people conducting the study.”

Dr. Call shared a selection of the survey questions with the Siren, and granted us permission to publish them. They are as follows:

  • Do you hate water?
  • Do you ever whistle to yourself so people won’t think you’re doing something nefarious?
  • Is Earth your favorite planet?
  • Do you ever think about subjugating the human race?
  • Have you ever impregnated someone in an attempt to create an alien-human hybrid?
  • If your spaceship broke, could you fix it?
  • Have you seen things us people wouldn’t believe?

“Everyone who took the Facebook survey said yes to all of these questions,” said Dr. Call. “But when we brought them to MacDill and told them the survey wasn’t anonymous, and that we were keeping track of them the entire time, their answers changed. We found that to be very suspicious. Who would lie on an anonymous Facebook survey? What would be the point? But lying to a federal investigator when asked the same exact questions is exactly what an alien would do. Our method was airtight.”

Dr. Helena Frank, a research scientist at the University of Florida with a specialty in sociology and ufology, reviewed the controversial study on the Siren’s behalf, and when asked if she thought the results were credible, she said “maybe.”

If you or someone you know is an alien, which is very likely according to the study, please leave a comment below and let us know what you’re doing here.

Photo courtesy of https://www.flickr.com/photos/mujitra/

 

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