Researchers Discover Source of Perpetual Energy: George Washington Spinning in Grave

Researchers working with the United States Department of Energy have announced their latest discovery: a free and perpetual source of electricity capable of powering over half the country.

The team of scientists say that the idea came to them when a Virginian groundskeeper reported a tumbling noise coming from one of America’s most venerated gravesites. After further study, the researchers determined that the sound was a result of the turbine-like motion of George and Martha Washington turning in their graves.

“It was fairly easy to harness that energy,” said Dr. Will Grandey, one of the scientists working on the revolutionary study. “All we had to do was go to Mount Vernon and hook up a rotor to the Washington tomb.”

Besides stirring up the body of America’s most revered founding father, the discovery has also stirred up a fair amount of controversy.

“This is just so disrespectful to our nation’s greatest president,” said Fred Hollis of Pinellas Park. “Trump is moving us over to clean, beautiful coal; we don’t need a bunch of liberal scientists going behind his back and making up their own kind of energy. And I don’t think this Washington guy would appreciate it either!”

Despite the controversy, the scientists plan on moving forward with their research.

“If we’re going to do this, we need to start right now,” said Dr. Emilia Swithand, a project manager with the Department of Energy. “If we wait until 2020, it could be too late. We’re going to start small by using the Washingtons to provide power to Fairfax County, then we’ll see if we can switch all of Virginia over to what we’re calling PatriotPower™.  If that goes well, then we’ll look into hooking Thomas Jefferson and Harriet Tubman into the grid; they could produce enough juice to power most of the country.”

The Department of Energy recently registered to keep Americans informed about the the switch to the new power source, so make sure you check the site regularly for announcements.

Editor’s note: By the time of publication, all of the scientists associated with PatriotPower have had their DOE security clearances and doctorates revoked, and the project is on hold indefinitely. The team’s official website,, now redirects to Donald Trump’s Twitter profile.

Photo courtesy of


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